To Rise Again
by Voltora
Summary: Can Remus finally accept the past and the way things are and carry on? Songfic to Gabrielle's 'Rise' Please read and review


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Authors Notes

Disclaimer; I don't own Harry Potter nor do I own the song lyrics to 'Rise'. They belong to J.K Rowling and Gabrielle respectfully. I am merely borrowing both works for a short time and I am obliged to return them when I'm finished.

I'd like to thank my new Beta reader, Lil Lupin, for helping me with this. Your support is invaluable! :D 

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To Rise Again

A light, cool breeze blew gently through the boughs of the trees, rustling the red, brown and golden autumn leaves; the only sound in the otherwise peaceful churchyard.

The sky above was streaked with vibrant pinks and soft yellows as the sun slowly descended. The light was gradually fading, the creatures of the night began to stir, awaiting the moon and starlight to aid their nocturnal pursuits. Bats shifted restlessly beneath the roof rafters of the church, moths fluttered low over the gravestones and a tawny owl took flight from its roost.

Like a ghost, the owl flew in silence over the graveyard. Rows upon rows of marble headstones were arranged neatly alongside the paths and in the shelter of the trees.

The air was silent and deathly still.

A young man appeared, as if from nowhere, at the tall wrought iron gates. The wards prevented those that meant harm to this peaceful sanctuary from stepping over the threshold. The gates were always open, even at this late hour, for those that wished to come.

The young man was not concerned at all about the wards. His only fear was that he might have left it too late. Yet he only came at dusk to ensure solitude. How could he be expected to deal with his own grief while surrounded by strangers? These strangers that offered condolence and apologies had no reason to. The words were merely a formality, something you said because it was expected. People like that annoyed him. What did they know of his past? Of the ghosts that haunted him?

Of the dead that had returned?

Staring blankly into the deserted graveyard, he sighed with grim satisfaction. Empty. Not a great surprise this late in the evening, but it wasn't always a guarantee. 

Especially tonight.

Slowly, he walked down the worn path between the graves, his steps soft and light; taking him over the very path he'd taken thirteen years before, and every year since.

The velvet blue blanket of darkness was slowing moving in from the east. He quickened his pace. Foolish to come so late in the evening, but he couldn't not come, tonight of all nights.

His feet carried him off the path, carefully moving over the carpet of fallen leaves, crunching slightly beneath his shoes, the hem of his cloak dragging them along a short way as he passed over them.

Two gravestones, standing side by side, seemed to materialise in front of him, like they'd been waiting for him, knew he was coming. A large number of floral tributes lay upon the ground; remembrance tokens, and respectful tributes from strangers that had journeyed here to visit the resting-place of two of the wizarding world's most honoured martyrs. Two courageous sorcerers that had given their lives for that of their child's.

If didn't seem right that people, total strangers, should flock here year after year on the anniversary, as if it were an annual tourist attraction. Especially when people like Remus Lupin had come to pay his respects as a close friend, not as some awe-struck admirer.

For a while he simply stood before the graves, gazing wistfully upon the names of James and Lily Potter. The dates of their births and that of their deaths, only twenty-one years apart, were written in golden letters on the gleaming white marble.

An emblem of a phoenix was also craved into the stone; the bird frozen in mid-flight, its wings half furled, its claws still among the flames of its birth-fire, the noble head held high. A symbol of life, frozen forever.

In a sense, that was how Remus still felt about Lily and James' short lives. They had truly lived their lives, fulfilling their dreams of falling in love, marrying and starting a family. Yet war had cut all of that tragically short, when they could have done so much more. Those who had know them could not have failed to notice or comment on their love of life.

His heart grew heavy with a familiar wave of despair. His blue-grey eyes, full of sadness, lingered on the dates.

'Thirteen years,' he said softly, speaking to the night. 'Hard to believe, isn't it? I still expect you to send an owl in the morning, or to burst out of the fireplace without warning me before hand.' Remus tried to smile but the happy memories of the distant past were rapidly overshadowed. 'I can still remember,' he murmured. 'But then how could I ever forget?'

His throat felt tight but he continued to speak to the air around him. There was so much he need to say.

'When Albus told me … everything around me … I could feel my entire world falling apart ...'

**__**

I know that it's over

But I can't believe we're through

'Albus would have said such a thing if it weren't true. But I just couldn't accept it. Not right away.'

**__**

They say that time's a healer

'You couldn't be dead. Only a few days before you promised me, James, that when it was all over we'd all go to Diagon Alley to pig out on Florean Fortecues ice creams and you'd try to get me drunk at the Leaky Cauldron afterwards, remember?

He allowed himself a wan smile, yet it faded quickly.

'We'd done everything we could. The Fidelius Charm. Albus suggested it, didn't he? You had to go into hiding … for Lily's … for Harry's … for all our sakes. I know you had to choose someone … that there could only be one Secret-Keeper. I never thought you'd pick me so I wasn't surprised when you never asked.'

Remus looked sorrowfully at the graves, tears welling in his eyes.

'You never thought it was me, did you?' His voice wavered, uncertain. 'Albus warned us that we had a mole among us … I hope you never really considered that it may have been me.' 

Squeezing his eyes shut, Remus felt the tears beginning to fall.

'Not like Sirius.'

**__**

And I'm better without you

'We all but accused each other. Fight was the last thing we did. We refused to speak to one another during those last few days. I know he was scared for you … I don't blame him for trying to protect you … I know I can forgive him for it … but I don't know if he'll ever know how much those words hurt.'

**__**

It's gonna take time I know

But I'll get over you

'I should have … I could have _said _something. Apologised. I never _really_ thought he was the one. I'll admit I did have some doubts, some suspicions, but who didn't? We were in a war. None of us felt like we could whole-heartedly trust anyone.

'No one except you, James. You trusted Sirius to keep your secret. Don't get me wrong; I'm not angry with you for choosing him over me. I could never be angry with you.'

The sky was clouding over. The darkness was strengthening, chasing away the last vestiges of sunlight; driving it away.

Remus shook his head in disbelief. Even after all these years, the pain of that agonising day was still raw.

'And I would never believe that Sirius was the one who betrayed us all.'

**__**

Look at my life

Look at my heart

I have seen them fall apart

'I felt like I was the only one who didn't know … the last to discover what had happened. It was a full moon that night; there was no way I could have done anything. Albus told me everything late the next morning, after I woke up. He told me how Sirius had double-crossed us by informing the Dark Lord of where you were.' Remus' breathing was starting to come in shallow, unsteady gasps, reliving in his mind that dreadful moment. 'And that Peter had gone after him, only to be hexed into oblivion.

'He told me that Sirius had been taken straight to Azkaban, and that he would remain there for the rest of his life. Not that anyone thought that he would last long. No one ever did.

'I think I must have been in shock for a long time,' Remus admitted, calming slightly. 'I couldn't feel very much at all, if anything. Everyone kept telling me how sorry they were … in between the celebrations of course. I certainly had nothing to celebrate,' he muttered bitterly. 'All my friends had died or were worse than dead in the course of a single night. I didn't even know if I was ever going to see Harry again, Dumbledore sent him off to Petunia and her husband so swiftly I never got a chance to say goodbye to him.'

Remus lifted his head, wet eyes searching the sky. A few stars were emerging, but not the one he was looking for. Nor was the moon out yet. He would feel it as soon as it rose, but there was still a little time.

'Thirteen years, you'd think I'd have gotten used to the idea at least but I just can't. You all meant so much to me - more than anything else in the world. 

'And you all left me that night. All of you. Left me alone.

'I almost didn't see the point of carrying on without any of you left.'

He looked back to the graves, wishing he were really talking to James and Lily. To have these words heard may have helped to relieve the pain, but he knew he could never say them to anyone else. No one else would understand.

'I never did anything stupid, don't worry. Everyone thought if they just gave me some time I'd get over it.'

Wearily, he closed his eyes.

'I tried, honestly I did. Albus did his best to help me. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to get over it.'

**__**

Now I'm ready to rise again

Just look at my hopes 

Look at my dreams

I'm building bridges from the scenes

Now I'm ready to rise again

'I guess they thought it'd be easier after the funeral, but it just made it harder. How could I just say goodbye and move on just like that? No one understood how hard it was.' Remus bowed his head. 'Especially when I wouldn't accept that Sirius, of all people, had responsible.

'They though I was mad … some thought I was simply in denial, that it was just a phase, and that it would pass. No one believed me when I said Sirius couldn't have done it. He wasn't that sort of person. Yes, I know I accused him of being the spy but I only said those words because he did the same to me. I never meant them. Not really. I was mad, upset that he would think that of me. I know he was only trying to protect you but at the time we were both scared and we couldn't do anything to prove ourselves. So we parted believing the worst of each other.

'I wish more than anything that I could have taken it all back. But it was too late. I never saw him again.

'I felt awful because I knew, somehow, that we didn't know everything. All the evidence pointed to Sirius, but … I don't know … something was missing … I could feel it.'

**__**

Caught up in my thinking

'I literally became obsessed with going over everything, again and again, looking for something, _anything,_ that might have made everyone reconsider. To give Sirius the benefit of the doubt.'

**__**

Like a prisoner in my mind

'I must have tired explaining to people why I was doing it numerous times. Yet as far as everyone else was concerned, it was over. The guilty one was in Azkaban for life. There was no need to keep dragging up the past. But I couldn't let it go.'

**__**

You pose so many questions

'There were so many questions I wanted answers to. If Sirius had been the Secret-Keeper and betrayed us, why did he go back to Godric's Hollow? Why hang around? Hagrid said that Sirius had been pale and shaking, probably from shock. Hardly the appropriate reaction for a cold-hearted traitor.

'He asked Hagrid to allow him to take Harry, I know that sounded suspicious to some people. Hagrid refused on Dumbledore's orders but Sirius gave up his motorbike so that Hagrid could take Harry away. Surely he would have taken it himself to put some distance between himself and the Ministry before they started hunting him down, I thought. It was only a matter of time and he knew it.'

Remus screwed up his face in frustration. All that he knew of Sirius and the 'facts' had conflicted so violently in his mind, it wasn't surprising that he developed almost a constant headache trying to figure it all out.

'How did Peter manage to track him down? If Sirius wanted to disappear he would have done so easily. I didn't understand why he would behave so out of character, even if the accusations were true. And Peter, driven by grief to challenge a very powerful and highly skilled wizard he knew he hadn't a hope of defeating? There was something about that that just didn't feel right to me either.

'And why did his finger remain when the rest of him had been destroyed, disintegrated into nothing? Why was there no other trace? 

'I felt awful … considering the only other alternative of a deceased friend … but I could see no other way around Sirius' guilt … yet I still couldn't figure it out. Peter was dead; Sirius was the one who murdered him. Dozens of witnesses saw it happen. There was nothing to contradict their accounts.'

**__**

But the truth was hard to find

'So many questions, and I had no answers. I went over it all so many times, hoping that this time I'd find something I'd overlooked before. I couldn't help but feel that the truth was staring me in the face but I just couldn't see it.

'In the end, I was forced to reconsider. Maybe Sirius really _had_ betrayed us. That everything I ever believed of him had been false.

'I think Albus was quite relieved when I gave up on pestering everyone with my notions of 'proving' that Sirius hadn't done it. But that wasn't it. The fact was I'd finally realised that everyone thought I'd been driven mad with grief, but that I was finally coming to terms with the truth at last.'

**__**

I better think twice, I know

That I'll get over you

A small triumphant smile slowly settled upon Remus' face, his eyes brightening ever so slightly in the darkness.

'Well, I was hardly going to tell them I still had hope.' His gaze flicked skyward. There, shining almost directly overhead, was a beautiful, brightly glowing star.

**__**

Look at my life

Look at my heart

I have seen them fall apart

Now I'm ready to rise again

'I was so happy to be allowed to teach at Hogwarts. I swore it was a dream, and that I didn't want to wake up.' His smile faltered. 'Of course, it was then that I heard the news that Sirius had broken out.

'I didn't know what to think. Everyone thought he was insane and planning on murdering Harry.'

Remus swallowed. The sun had gone at last. The sky was a dome of darkest blue with many tiny stars sparkling down on him. A gnawing sensation was growing in his stomach. Not much longer now. He would have to go soon but he didn't want to leave without having explained everything. He needed to get it all out. If he couldn't finish it now he doubted he'd ever be capable of it again.

'Was it foolish of me to keep that flame of hope alive? All year I accepted the common theory, if only to keep Snape from accusing me of helping Sirius. He did it mostly out of spite for what I am, but I can't deny how would have willing helped Sirius, just not in the way Snape thought. I wasn't going to let him spoil my chance of staying on as a professor and teaching Harry. Teaching all of the students.'

**__**

Just look at my hopes

Look at my dreams

I'm building bridges from the scenes

Now I'm ready to rise again

'When I saw the map … I could hardly breathe. It wasn't possible. Peter was dead. So why was his name on the map? With Harry, Ron and Hermione no less? I don't know what went through my mind at that moment. Maybe I half convinced myself it was a dream or a hallucination of some kind. But then Sirius appeared on the map, collided with Ron and pulled him and Peter into the Willow's passage.

'Perhaps I wasn't fully aware of what was happening, all I remember is running after them. It felt like my mind was going to explode! Everything suddenly fell into place …'

Remus gave a blissful smile, savouring the joyous memory.

Sirius was innocent.

He'd been right all along. He hadn't been crazy to keep that hope alive, no matter what everyone else believed.

Twelve years apart, a chasm of doubts and suspicions brushed aside by a single nod.

All this time and Sirius had never been the Secret-Keeper in the first place.

They'd switched at the last minute.

But the euphoria faded. Remus felt a deep-seated hatred and disgust. Not at Peter, but at himself.

Fool.

How? _How_ could he have been so _stupid _as to have forget that it had been the night of the full moon?

After all this time, the truth had finally come to light … Sirius could have been pardoned, granted his freedom … an innocent man released …

If only Remus hadn't been the one to ruin it all.

Feeling horribly ashamed of himself, he sank to his knees before the graves, buying his face in his hands, cursing himself over and over again for his stupidity.

'I was such a _fool_,' he said harshly, screwing his eyes shut. 'I wouldn't blame him if he never wanted to see me again.'

**__**

Much time has passed between us

Do you still think of me at all?

If anyone deserved to be labelled as a traitor then surely Remus was the one. He'd lied to everyone. He'd lied to Dumbledore, claiming to know nothing of how Sirius was getting into the castle, knowing full well about the secret passages and that Sirius was an illegal Animagus. He'd lied to Harry. Well, he hadn't told him the truth, which was the same as lying in a way. 

And on top of that, he may have ruined Sirius' last chance to prove his innocence. Not to mention that Sirius and Harry had nearly had their souls sucked out of them after his carelessness allowed Peter to escape.

Harry, who had wanted nothing more than to have a loving family to take care of him, to have Sirius as his legal guardian, had had that chance taken from him. All because of Remus.

Remus felt he didn't deserve to stay at Hogwarts. What right did he have to remain there after causing so much trouble, presenting such a danger to everyone there? 

Even if Snape hadn't told the Slytherin's of his lycanthropy, he may well have resigned anyway. It was a small start to atone for his mistakes. He hadn't deserved any of the trust that so many people had placed in him.

**__**

My world of broken promises

You won't catch me when I fall

How can I ever look Sirius in the face again? He thought miserably. It had been months since they'd parted. Neither one had contacted the other. Understandable from Sirius' position; on the run once more and no guarantee of getting hold of an owl.

Yet Remus felt scared to make the first move. Would could he possibly say? 

A gust of wind lifted his hair. The scuttling of leaves blowing across the path behind him sounded unnaturally loud in the darkness. Slowly, he lifted his head, staring directly at the graves before him, now a dull grey in the darkness.

Then, just as slowly, Remus turned. And his heart skipped a beat.

Sitting on the path, not ten feet away, was a large, shaggy, pale-eyed, dog, its coat jet-black in colour. Remus stared. He opened his mouth uncertainly, unable to say a word.

The dog gazed up at him, the starlight reflecting within the soft pale eyes. Eyes that spoke without words.

Overhead, the moon emerged out of the darkness, perfectly round and as beautiful as the stars around it.

**__**

Look at my life

Look at my heart

I have seen them fall apart

But now I'm ready to rise again

Just look at my hopes

Look at my dreams

I'm building bridges from the scenes

Now I'm ready to rise again

A few minutes passed in silence.

The dog stood up as the wolf moved to stand over the graves, its amber eyes sorrowful, full of regret. 

It walked over to stand before the graves. Closing its eyes, the dog lowered its head respectfully, in grief.

The wolf backed off slowly. Head and tail held low. He had no right to be here. He turned to go, to leave the dog in peace.

But before he'd even reached the path, the dog was there in front of him, the long plumed tail wagging back and forth.

Ears pricked in confusion, the wolf stepped back once more, eyeing the smaller canine warily … not understanding … wanting to ask …

But there was not need for words, for the eyes are indeed windows to the soul.

Without a moment of hesitation, the dog reached out and nuzzled his friend gently in a silent gesture that needed no explanation.

As one, they turned for a final look at the graves. The sorrow they shared was spent. With everything now behind them, a silent affirmation passed between dog and wolf.

Between friends.

Of forgiveness, acceptance, and now, second chances.

Together again, reunited at last, a silent promise to expose the truth, they raised their heads to the sky and howled to the heavens above.

~Finis~

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Authors Notes

Thank you for reading. Please leave a review. All comments and constructive criticism are appreciated.


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